Mary Had A Little Lamb
Mary had a little lamb
The lamb began to sicken
So Mary sold it to a canner
And now it's labeled "chicken".
Why are jokes about lawyers not very popular?
First, lawyers find them offensive.
Second, nobody else realizes that they are jokes.
The Cold Winter
The members of an Indian tribe asked their chief about collecting wood for the oncoming winter. The chief agreed that it was a good time to start and so they went out and begin collecting firewood. Two weeks later, they came back to the chief and asked if they had gathered enough firewood for the winter.
The chief replied that he would check and went inside and called the local office of the weather bureau and asked for a forecast for the winter. The meterologist replied, "It's going to be a cold winter."
So the chief told his people to keep gathering wood. Two weeks later, they asked if they had gathered enough firewood. Once again, the chief went inside and called the local office of the weather bureau and asked for a revised forecast for the winter. The meterologist replied, "This is going to be a really cold winter."
The chief relayed this information to the tribe and they kept collecting firewood. After another two weeks, they had gathered a large amount of firewood and so they went to the chief and asked if they had collected enough firewood now.
Once again, the chief called the weather bureau for a revised forecast. The meterologistg replied, "This is going to be the coldest winter we have ever seen."
The chief was surprised at this and asked the meterologist, "How do you know it's going to be the coldest winter ever?"
The reply, "Because I have been watching the local Indians gather firewood for the last month and a half. In all my years with the weather bureau, I have never seen them gather so much firewood before."
The Magician and the Parrot
A magician got a new job entertaining on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician performed the same magic tricks over and over again. Each Monday show was precisely the same as on the previous Monday. The Tuesday shows were the same shows. And so on for the entire week.
There was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw every show each week and figured out how the magician did each and every magic trick. Once he figured them out, he started shouting spoilers to the rest of the audience: 'It's not the same hat!' or 'He's hiding the flowers under the table!' or 'Why are all the cards the ace of spades?'
The magician was furious but didn't dare do anything to the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific hundreds of miles from shore, the ship sank, drowning every passenger on board and very crew member except for the magician who had managed to get out and grabbed hold of a large wooden plank. At daybreak the next morning he saw the parrot sitting calmly on the other end of the wooden plank.
The magician and the parrot stared at each other with hatred but neither the magician nor the parrot said a word.
This went on all day... and then a second day... and a third day.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could hold back no longer and said......
"OK, I give up. How did you do it? Where did you hide the ship?"
A tourist in Vienna
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one else is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realises that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is Beethoven's Seventh Symphony and like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order from which Beethovn had composed them, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a large crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to Beethovene's Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says. "Beethoven is decomposing."
Blonde parachute student
On the first day of training in a local parachute school, a blonde listened intently to the instructor's lecture.
When the instructor told the students to start preparing to land when they are at 300 feet above the ground the blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. 300 feet is the distance at which you should begin to recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer to the question, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
Scientists have found out how to cut global warming in half. All they need to do is get all the environmentalists to stay home and keep their mouths shut.
A visit from the neighbor
One night on a Texas Panhandle ranch, a junior high age kid was doing his homework when someone knocked at the door. He went to the door and answered it to find a neighbor from a few miles down the road.
The neighbor said, "I need to speak to your father."
The kid replied, "Mom and dad are at the basketball game in town. They won't be back until pretty late.
The neighbor asked, "Well, is your brother Johnny home?"
"Johnny is playing at the basketball game in town. He won't be back until late, too."
The neighbor, looking exasperated, said, "Well, I need to speak to someone about your brother Johnny making my daughter Suzy pregnant.
The kid replied, "You'll have to speak to dad about that. I know that he charges $250 for the bull and $400 for the horse, but I don't know what he charges for Johnny."
The Pet Centipede
A man went to a pet store to buy a new pet and asked the owner what kind of pets they had. The owner replied, "We have the usual pets: dogs, cats, birds, and fish.
The man replied, "I've had all the usual pets before. I would like something unusual. Do you have anything unusual?"
The owner thought a bit, smiled, and replied, "Why yes. We do have something quite unusual. May I interest you in a pet centipede?"
The man thought briefly and said, "Sure. I've never had a pet centipede."
So he bought the centipede and a little centipede house for it to stay in and dropped the centipede off at home before going back to work.
That night when he arrived home from work, he asked the centipede, "I'm going to the park. Would you like to come along?" He listened, but didn't hear the centipede reply.
He decided to take a shower before going to the park. After showering and putting on his clothes, he asked the centipede again, "I'm going to the park. Would you like to go, too?" Like before, the centipede didn't reply.
He put his coat on and got ready to go and tried once more. "I'm going to the park. If you want to go, say something or I'm leaving you here."
This time he heard a quiet, but rather sharp, reply, "All right already! I heard you the first time. I'm putting my shoes on."
The brand new intensive care nurse entered the Intensive Care Unit where a man was in a bed stuffed with tubes and his face covered with an oxygen mask after major surgery. The man looked at her and ask "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse figured he was still groggy from surgery and ignored him, but the man repeated, "Are my testicles black?"
She decided to humor him and responded, "I'm sure they are all right."
That didn't satisfy him. He asked again "Are my testicles black?"
She replied "How am I supposed to know?"
The patient responded, "Take a look."
So she walked up to the bed, pulled the sheet away, and pulled up the hospital gown. After she took a good close look, she put the gown and sheet back in place and told him "They look fine to me."
He grinned slightly then motioned her closer, pulled the oxygen mask away and said very slowly, "ARE ... MY ... TEST ... RESULTS ... BACK?"
First time with a parachute
This man always wanted to jump out of an airplane with a parachute and finally decided it was time. So he borrowed a parachute, got some instruction on how to use it, hired a small plane, and went up to make his jump.
After falling for a little bit, he decided it was time to deploy the parachute. But when he pulled the rip cord, nothing happened. No parachute came out.
Falling through the air, he was getting more and more worried what to do when he suddenly met someone coming up the other way.
As they met, he yelled, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
The other man yelled back, "No. Do you know anything about gas stoves?"